Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Fighting the Funk

One of my New Year’s Resolutions this year was to keep it REAL! Well I have to confess that lately I have been holding out on you guys. Yep, the reason I haven’t been blogging much has to do with the fact that lately I have been in a funk. It’s not really depression, not really stress, not really frustration, but rather it has been everything and nothing in particular. Sort of the sign of the times I guess.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and self analysis, talking and evaluating and I have made a few realizations:

First, I can’t please everyone. No matter how much I try, there are those that will not be pleased.

Second, I am a creative soul that is desperate, yes desperate, desperate, desperate to create, but life has a way of getting in the way. This frustrates me to no end.

Third, I am angry at some people in my life and because I have not been able to resolve this anger, it is beginning to manifest itself into resentment, and I know that this can be toxic.

Fourth, I need my ME time. To ensure that I get it, I have to be more structured about scheduling it rather than trying to steal it away and then frustrated when others steal it back.

Fifth, I have been away from The Church too long. My faith has not wavered, in fact I have drawn particularly close to God during these times, but I have been making excuse after excuse for why I am not attending service on a regular basis. The result has been a slow fade. (To quote a popular Christian song) and this scares me. I never want to go back to where I was when God found me.

I am not entirely comfortable making this the forum to bleed from my gut, but I do want to keep it REAL. I want you to know the real me; the imperfect me. I am not chronically happy and I don’t live in a bubble of moonbeams, but rather, I am a flawed soul who lives in a far less than perfect world that has problems just like many of you. And, I am an artist. I sketch, I write, I scrapbook and I want to explore painting. Art is WHO I am. It is my therapy and my sanctuary. It is my God given gift and I want to grow in it. I want YOU to know my struggles to be the artist that God has called me to be.

So, you can expect that in the days to come I am going to TRY (yes try because I make no guarantees) to chronicle my artistic journey. Be prepared for ups and downs, good days and bad. Some days will be diamonds, some days will be stones. You may not be comfortable with the truth about my life, but it will be the truth. I know that some times it is going to be hard for me to say what I have to say and I may not be able to find the words, but I am going to try. So, are you with me? Will you stick around and watch me grow?


Anonymous said...

I admire your truthfulness. It is so hard sometimes to be truthful with ourselves let alone with others. I ADMIRE YOU. Thank You for being honest and....as you say..."REAL". I too am going to try and be "real" with not only myself but others. YOU have helped me to see this...
And I can not wait to see MORE of your arts. I LOVE the way you write and I LOVE your scrapbooking/paper crafts...there's a whole world for you to explore and I look forward to watching you grow in that way.

BriteCloud said...

Wow! That was honest. May I also be honest in saying that I am having the same struggle with being away from the church. I love God, I pray, I talk to my children about God and his Word, but I don't attend services anymore. I miss my church family that I grew up with. I have let laziness and excuses get in the way of being purposeful in my faith.

You are such a wonderful artist, and I know I haven't even seen the half of it. I think you should set a goal to submit your work a certain number of times per week/month to publications. I have no doubt you could be published over and over, and who knows where that could lead. Really.

I am of the belief that we have to "market" ourselves, and make ourselves vulnerable in the areas we want to go with our talents. And you did that when you applied for the design team at Junkie. And so did I.

I am looking forward to watching you grow.

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